I have mentioned in a number of my posts that Hannah loves to climb. I have also noted how she is fearless. The problem is, Hannah, at 18 months, still does not completely understand gravity. Well, to be more exact, she doesn’t understand that gravity doesn’t automatically cause her to land in my arms. What can I say? I have a tremendous fear of heights. When she’s climbing onto chairs and tables, I’m there pull her down or catch her. When she’s climbing up the stairs, I’m right behind her ready to put my hand her against back when she gets careless. I know I need to let her fall, but when?

That “when” is impending on me. This summer, for a month, I’m going to participate in a seminar during the weekdays and she’ll be watched by family and a babysitter. I am deeply afraid that she’ll be launching off some high place expecting to fall into someone’s arms and no one will be there to catch her. So, I know my job right now is to teach her about falling, and how to climb stairs by herself. I tried to teach her how to go up and down the stairs safely yesterday, and she enjoyed the lesson, but kept falling deliberately into my arms at various points as if THAT were part of the game. So….back to lesson one: falling. This afternoon, Rachel was standing on a plastic storage box (about 18 inches high) trying to reach her dresses in the closet and Hannah climbed on up there with her. It was the perfect height to fall without getting hurt, so I just watched and let her fall a few times. When we moved into another room I took two storage boxes and let her climb up on them and fall. Occasionally, she would reach out for me, to get me to catch her, or help her down, but I didn’t respond, and she either fell or got off safely. And….she loved it. It kept her busy for an hour.

Rachel at one point wanted to go and help her get up and down, but I told her that Hannah needed to learn how to balance. Then Rachel got very excited about it and starting balancing in very interesting poses all around the room. When Dad got home, Rachel told him about how Hannah was learning how to balance.

And I can’t help comparing Hannah’s balancing to my own experiment at balancing this summer. The seminar I’m participating in is a month long, with no other commitment than those weeks. The problem is, it takes place far from where we live–across the country, actually. That’s not all bad, because it is right near my family. I am taking the girls with me and my husband will join us for some of the stay. My mother-in-law will also come out to help for a week. We will stay two houses away from my sister and her four kids, who my kids adore. In many ways, it works out perfectly. I will be getting paid to participate in the seminar. The seminar schedule is not grueling, with many short/half days. It’s a rare opportunity to be with my family and wear my historian hat again. And yet, I still worry about leaving my kids every weekday. On an anxious day, I worry about that. On a better day, I think about talking to other historians again; drinking coffee and having lunch with no children at my side; and having uninterupted discussions. And I wonder about this balance thing….and exactly where I will find mine. I am excited and terrified at the same time…and that is not a bad thing. Wish me luck! I will need it.